TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from location. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let us have another area the place American men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's not Trump Tower Damascus that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he really should cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting awareness from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD can have switch-down service."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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